panic attacks to me feel like I’m drowning. I’m in a dark hole filled with water and I have no one to lend me a hand to get out. my chest tightens, my whole body shakes and I think at that point I have never been more scared.
this is how I felt this morning when I woke up and had a panic attack, not for any particular reason that was just how it happened. it makes me feel like there is something really wrong with me like I’m not the person I should be.
due to this I went back to sleep and missed my first class of the day for university. however I felt guilty about not going so forced myself to get up. carried out some self care, brushing my teeth, my hair, getting changed and putting on make up and my ‘happy face’ so I felt more like me.
everyone I have met through going to university are extremely supportive and understanding so when I sit down with them I don’t feel as alone in the world as I did in my bed. positive of the day.
I feel there is a lot of stress around trying to get through every day. but I take one step at a time and hopefully each step will bring me closer to the destination where I can smile and be proud.
today wasn’t a good day. but I tried, I got up and I went out and I did something. when in the past I would have hidden from the world. it is small things that keep my world turning every day. and every person I have around me for support makes that a little easier.
talking openly about how you feel is bound to help. I know this from previous blog posts, talking to friends and family and posting things on social media because I know I am not the only one struggling.
I am lucky to be at university studying what I am really passionate about.
I am lucky to be surrounded by people who care about me and want to see me succeed.
I am lucky to have the support of some mental health services around me.
I am lucky to have come as far as I have.
it is essential sometimes to think about what I am grateful for instead of being trapped by the demons in my mind.
today I went to university and stayed when all I felt like doing was going to bed and pulling the duvet back over my head. I told people I trust how I was feeling and I appreciate every single thing they do for me.
some days can be extremely difficult to just breathe in and out, like today. but I got through it. and the positive that came from it as today at least my suicidal thoughts were at bay. not at the forefront of my mind like they can be on some days.
I know that I am getting there slowly. and this is just a blip and I will get through it. but there is the scary thought by the voices of depression and anxiety in my mind that shout that I won’t. that I will be like this forever. and I don’t truly know if I can deal with that.
I am me. I am becca and I am not defined by my mental health. but it is a massive part of my life and I know I wouldn’t be who I am without it. it is my darkest demon and my best friend at the same time.
maybe tomorrow will be better. I really hope it will.
i miss you more than i ever thought was possible.
i used to miss you, but knew that i would see you again, that i would get to talk about old times.
but now i don’t get to see your face again and i don’t know how to cope.
there is a part of me that feels maybe i have no right to miss you. that we weren’t as close as we used to be. these conflicting emotions make things so much harder.
nothing can compare to you. no matter how much we drifted you were still a massive part of my life. you were still a person i cherished every minute with. and it leaves me wondering how the fuck do you deal with losing a friend?
how do you wake up every day knowing that you never will? i just don’t want to accept you’re gone.
we were joined at the hip for near enough four years. in school it was like i never done anything without you by my side.
i wish that i could have told you how much you made an impact on my life. how fucking proud i am because we have all had our struggles and you made it through yours and made something out of your life.
i wish i had told you that although we didn’t talk anymore i still thought about you. about our memories. i still checked up to see how you were doing. i cheered you on from the sidelines, moral supporting your pictures and being happy that your life had turned out so well.
that life that has now been taken away leaving me feeling unbelievably numb that i have lost a part of my past.
i have lost any time in the future where we would have picked up where we left off.
you seemed to know when something was up with me and you always said the right things to make some of the pain go away. i will never forget how mad i was when you and eilidh went to mr bruce about my self harming because i was so adamant i could do it myself. but that was my first ever step on my road to recovery and i am so thankful to have known you because you were both looking out for me.
you were one hell of a girl. no matter what you went through you always had a smile on your face. you always found time for other people. and when i was really struggling you put me before yourself.
i don’t know if the world will ever feel normal knowing that you’re not in it anymore. knowing i’ll never get to see your face again and i’ll never get to hug you and laugh about all our memories. it is so unfair that you have been ripped from the people who cared about you most. you were cared for and loved and you touched so many lives. i wish it made knowing you’re gone easier. but it doesn’t.
you should still be here. you should still be going on with your every day life. you should be partying at the weekend and living your life during the week.
i will never forget you, my husband, my partner in crime, the gunter to my tinka. i love you, i always have and i will never stop.
thank you for existing in a time that i got to know you, i can’t imagine what my life would have been like if i never met you.
i remember when you told me
that i was so beautiful
that i had galaxies under my skin
and the light of stars in my eyes.
but when we look up at the nights sky
we are looking into the past
most of those stars are already dead.
just like my eyes look
and how under my skin feels.
i guess i’ve already burnt out.
sometimes i need to realise,
i am more than the people who left me,
i deserve more than that.
i am not defined by those who don’t stay,
i am defined by me,
and even sometimes that’s not as great.
my mind is a mess,
i am a mess.
but i would rather be a mess with people who care about me,
than a mess with people who are just going to easily give up.
i know when i am down i am not an easy person to be around,
but i can be good too,
i can shine brighter than any star in the sky,
and those who left are missing out on that.
i am better than that,
i am better than temporary people.
i want to die
but do i?
i’m so sick of this pain
the voices in my head
i say i want to die
but i just want this to end
i just want this to all stop
but still exist
how do you explain that?
i’m doing something good,
i’m going to be a nurse and
i can’t do that if in dead
but how else can i make this stop?