I was really debating writing this, putting it out there. because then it’s down on some imaginary paper, it’s real and it happened and I am so ashamed and annoyed at myself, but this is all some fucked up stage in recovering and I need to look at this as a turning point.
about a month ago, my mind was adamant and decided, this is it. this is the night that I say goodnight for good. this is when I finally get my peaceful ending. I sat down, with tears streaming down my face, my hands shaking to a point I could never have imagined. I took all the tablets out of the drawers and started to take them out of the packets. Paracetamol, ibroprofen, amitriptyline, codine and propanalol. all of them into a pile.
and then I started writing my note. to my dad, to my family, to my friends. to anyone who ever felt they cared about me. and it was an apology. funny that, even when I’m dead I still want to be apologising.
im sorry, this is not your fault. Please be strong and the world will still turn without me in it. I’m sorry if this causes pain, but I am so lost and I don’t know how to make the pain stop. I am sorry, because I couldn’t be what I ever thought possible.
I was ready. I was the closest to ending everything than I had been in years. and one phone call made me realise my strength. that I had got through so much, I had grown through the cracks in a broken home. and I had let people cut away at me, yet here I still am.
it was a blip, and I tell myself that I won’t go back there. I don’t break promises, so I can’t promise I won’t. but I am trying, and I can promise that. I am trying so fucking hard.
take this as a reminder, I have so much going for me right now on the outside looking in. I am loved by family, I am so close to my dream job, I have friends that care, family who would do anything for me. but there is still pain, and I really hope one day I will come to terms with it. be thoughtful, be kind, show everyone love, including yourself.
it is okay, not to be okay.