it’s okay not to be okay.

it’s okay not to be okay.

I was really debating writing this, putting it out there. because then it’s down on some imaginary paper, it’s real and it happened and I am so ashamed and annoyed at myself, but this is all some fucked up stage in recovering and I need to look at this as a turning point.

about a month ago, my mind was adamant and decided, this is it. this is the night that I say goodnight for good. this is when I finally get my peaceful ending. I sat down, with tears streaming down my face, my hands shaking to a point I could never have imagined. I took all the tablets out of the drawers and started to take them out of the packets. Paracetamol, ibroprofen, amitriptyline, codine and propanalol. all of them into a pile.

and then I started writing my note. to my dad, to my family, to my friends. to anyone who ever felt they cared about me. and it was an apology. funny that, even when I’m dead I still want to be apologising.

im sorry, this is not your fault. Please be strong and the world will still turn without me in it. I’m sorry if this causes pain, but I am so lost and I don’t know how to make the pain stop. I am sorry, because I couldn’t be what I ever thought possible.

I was ready. I was the closest to ending everything than I had been in years. and one phone call made me realise my strength. that I had got through so much, I had grown through the cracks in a broken home. and I had let people cut away at me, yet here I still am.

it was a blip, and I tell myself that I won’t go back there. I don’t break promises, so I can’t promise I won’t. but I am trying, and I can promise that. I am trying so fucking hard.

take this as a reminder, I have so much going for me right now on the outside looking in. I am loved by family, I am so close to my dream job, I have friends that care, I have a loving boyfriend. but there is still pain, and I really hope one day I will come to terms with it. be thoughtful, be kind, show everyone love, including yourself.

it is okay, not to be okay.

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an anxious mind

an anxious mind

this weekend for me has been a big step in the right direction. for others it may seem like a small victory, however for me it is massive.

I was extremely anxious about this weekend, meeting up with family for a celebration of all being together. 29 people in the same room? alarm bells ringing in my head.

but you know what? I did it. I sat there, I spoke to my family, I laughed and smiled and I enjoyed myself. sometimes the hustle and bustle of it was a bit much for me, but not too much that a little fresh air couldn’t fix.

I went out into Liverpool, feeling the buzz of the train, the mish-mash of conversation going on around me, palms sweating and shaking. but I put on a brave face.

I went into a pub which ended up extremely busy, but one thing that actually helped was the live music, it drowned out the conversation and gave me something to focus on.

I’m trying every day to push myself a little, to put myself out of that comfort zone to realise I am safe, I can do this and I am stronger than I’ve ever realised.

finally, today I am FOUR YEARS clean from self harming, a celebration that I am extremely proud of and I am open in speaking about it. because this is a massive part of my journey. and I know that I can do this.

recovery

recovery

recently I have been speaking to a woman who over two sessions has been very helpful. I’ve come to realise that although struggling with depression and anxiety, I’ve been very hard on myself.

I have always told myself I’m not good enough as a person, that my struggling is down to something I have done and that I deserve it. that I’m not a good person despite all of the things I do to be a good person.

I’ve neglected to look out for number one, myself.

upon realising this the other day, I got very upset to realise that if I had known this sooner, if I could have just been kinder to myself, maybe things wouldn’t have got as bad as I felt they have in the last few years. but now I have the information, I can do something about it.

but tonight, tonight I’m struggling a little. not with my dark un-ruly thoughts. but with fear. fear of the idea that I have got so used to living day to day with my mind the way it is. getting used to the darkness, the fear that everything might go wrong. for years this is all I have known.

and maybe it’s my anxiety needing to be in control, but what now? what happens when I do recover? who will I be? because right now, I know only the depression I feel. I know I am a person outside of that, but I’m scared I don’t like who that person might be. terrified of what lies in that unknown.

day to day in my mind: the darkness

day to day in my mind: the darkness

living with the toxic mix of depression and anxiety is like stumbling in the darkness not quite able to find the switch to turn on the light.

I have been swallowed up by the world where I’m not quite sure what is going on anymore. some days can be okay, but never a full good day. and some days, at the moment most days, are not even worth waking up for.

there are days where I can’t seem to bring myself to get out of bed. the depression is there when I wake up like a dark cloud taking over my life. and then the anxiety kicks in. if I have uni it is the voice telling me that I’m stupid, I’m going to fail, I’m throwing everything away just for a day in bed.

I didn’t choose to have a mental illness. in a way it is a blessing and a curse. being the way that I am I have an insight into how it feels and the knowledge to help people. however there is the niggling thoughts that I can’t help myself so how am I going to help others?

right now, waking up every day is a struggle. I feel like I have someone constantly sitting on my chest (somedays and I wake up and its the cat but that imaginary weight is still there when he moves). everyday I am still breathing in and out and I intent to for a very long time.

I will get through this. I will not let this end me.

day to day in my mind: recap 

day to day in my mind: recap 

I’ve not posted because it’s been a busy few days. filled with good and not so good days.

I had a pretty bad end of the week and have been faced with some decisions that need a lot of thought. but right now I’m not sure how to tackle them and hoping for the best that I’ll pull through out if the other end and they will go away.

however, I also got to meet my little baby cousin. who is the most adorable human being I have ever encountered. it’s terrifying that a small person could make noises that make you think theyre choking and give me the fear that I would be doing something wrong.

it’s nice being able to spend time with family. talk openly about how you are feeling and have a support system that feels unbreakable. i decided that I would get my Halloween face on and make the most of my time. but anxiety hit me with there being loads of people around to the point when the fresh air hit me outside I didnt know if I could breathe it in properly.

I also had a lovely time seeing friends and celebrating my longest friends birthday. I think on Saturday night it is the most I’ve felt like myself in the past month. just spending time with some of the people that mean the most to me. 16 years is a long time to put up with someone so I’m blessed that I’ve been able to keep a friend that long given how difficult I know I can be.

I’m going to try and post every few days about challenges of living with a mental illness such as anxiety and depression. might not be daily but it’s still in the day to day in my mind series

day to day in my mind: day six (23/10/2018)

day to day in my mind: day six (23/10/2018)

something I struggle with is the numbness that depression can make you feel. it is like you’re alive but you’re not living youre just existing.

today I had a few episodes where I was just completely numb and not knowing what to do with myself. my body felt so heavy and the tiniest of things was the biggest task.

it’s hard when people ask me what they can do to help. because I know they care and all they want is for me to be better as much as I do. but I have learned that other people can’t fix you.

this isn’t a fairytale where someone clicks their fingers and you are cured. it is a long long journey that all I need from everyone around me is to hold my hand and tell me in the darkest times that it is all going to be okay.

I wish i knew the steps that those who want to help me could do. but this one’s on me. and i know one day I’ll get there. I’m not sure when but it will happen. and the biggest help right now is the support system I have, even if it feels to them they aren’t doing enough.

day to day in my mind: day five (22/10/2017)

day to day in my mind: day five (22/10/2017)

today I had a GOOD day!

the first time in the last two or three weeks that I have actually felt myself which is so relieving. I didn’t even do anything I was just blessed with today to be a good day.

taking time for yourself in the hustle and bustle of today’s world is something I need to constantly remind myself. take a break from work and just breathe.

today my mind fell quiet. not silent, but quiet. and I think I prefer it that way as silence is just as terrifying as the dark thoughts that are usually there.

I know that this might not last, there is the possibility that I wake up tomorrow and this feeling is gone. but for now I’m going to make the best of it.