distance 

distance 

it’s weird how you can make a connection with someone who you’ve never met before isn’t it? 

one of the closest people to me lives over four hundred miles away. but that doesn’t really make any difference to me that there’s a possibility I’m never going to actually meet them. social media has always been a great outlet for me to talk to because because I’m so much more outgoing than I would be in person because I’m just too awkward for life. 

we started speaking a really long time ago just in passing of asking if they were okay because they seemed a bit down on Twitter. and then it all just sort of went on from there. 

I’m glad to have someone no matter how far away that they support me and are there for me no matter what. and I return the favour in trying to be funny when I’m really not in an attempt to make them smile when the day has been a bit shit. 

it makes me sad to see them sad, to know that things aren’t going the way that they want them too. but I know that they are intelligent and loving and caring and no matter what, however long it takes they will find true happiness and I will be there along the way. I guess when they’re upset I wish I could just go to their house with a tub of Ben and jerrys and make them smile. but I do my best. and I honestly hope that is enough. 

I guess it gets to a point where a person grows on you so much they almost become a part of you. a part that you never want to lose because it would feel like waking up in the morning and you have had your leg amputated. I’m the type of person to get attached to people and then that’s it. I guess it can be suffocating, sometimes and I hate to think that I could fuck it up. 

I’m so lucky to have a friend who supports me and tells me that I could do anything if I put my mind to it. someone who is always there when I need them (if they’re not playing zombies, but it’s okay I’m cool with that)

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I miss you, but I don’t at the same time 

I miss you, but I don’t at the same time 

you were a massive part of my life. and you managed to leave like I was nothing. how is that so easy for some people? you wake up one morning and decide that I am no longer worthy to be your friend any more.  

it was last night after I couldn’t sleep and I was looking through old photos that I began to realize that I miss you. but at the same time I don’t. because I owe myself more than to be cut up over you.

you were the one who was there when I needed you in my darkest of times. and I tried to be the same for you, but I don’t think that was enough. actually I know that wasn’t enough because you told me yourself. that was your reasoning.
 

and it wasn’t even me you told. I heard it through someone else, I even got to see the message. it’s really horrible to see that someone says that you weren’t there for them enough.
 I wasn’t there enough? well….

I don’t know how I couldn’t have been anymore ‘there’. at every point you needed me I tried to be the supportive friend. I tried to make you smile, I tried to make your sadness go away. when you were in hospital because you decided life was too much I traveled two hours there to spend and hour with you to the travel two hours home. when you had fallen out with your family I gave you a place to stay and when you were drunk I always tried to stay awake to make sure you were home okay. and finally, when you went missing I was distraught. I was more worried than anything, I tried to get in contact with you everyday after I found out that you were away getting some help. I wanted to do everything I could.

you were there for me too of course. I’m not going to lie and try and say that everything was one sided because it wasn’t. you always told me that I looked fine when I was insecure and there when I was having relationship problems or I was just sad.

  

I was infatuated with our friendship because I began to realize that as time wore on when I was sad, there was something bigger going on in your life. that made my problems not seem as big. but I am the kind of person who wants to help everyone and I put you before myself.
I guess it got to the point when I was fed up of you standing me up when we arranged to meet and becoming distant. I should have known that maybe you had gotten sick of me. I just feel horrible reading old messages about how you will always be there, through good and bad, and where are you now to see I’m happy?
I guess I’m glad you’re not here, because everything happens for a reason. I am getting somewhere with my life and it was your decision to not be a part of that. I guess that I’m okay with that now.
I miss you, the way we spoke and the memories we have, but I don’t miss you because I know I’m better for it

night time sadness 

night time sadness 

there is that feeling when it gets to a certain point at night and you are just overwhelmed with sadness.

usually I’m okay I can tend to go to sleep early and be fine, but when I can’t sleep I seem to hit the same point when I am just stuck in a feeling of sadness. or emptiness. I’m not quite sure what one is worse. 

I wish that I wasn’t the type of person to over analyze every single detail. but I am. and I hate it. you think back to when you were young and something happened and if maybe you had changed that your life wouldn’t be the way it was now.

in a way life not being the same as it was now has its good points and has its bad points. I guess that through everything I am a tad grateful for everything that has happened. if I hadn’t been so sad and stuck in my own depression I wouldn’t have the aspirations that I have now and I wouldn’t have the few people in my life who actually care about me. 

I always catch myself thinking, it’s weird that I could be starting university in September. a year and a half ago I couldn’t even get out of bed. and damn that’s an achievement.

I wish that everything could just be consistent. I wish that my feelings were just mellow. I don’t wish for complete happiness anymore because I know that is not going to happen. 

I know that there has to be some bad days, I just want them not to be AS bad. I stopped wishing to be happy and just wishing to be okay. 

strangers with memories

strangers with memories

I think one of the most horrible things I have experienced while growing up has been the feeling of drifting from someone. All that time you have spent together, all the good times you have shared, all the things they know about you are just lost in some void of space that no longer exists between you two.

Just strangers with memories. Two people who once had some sort of connection now lost.

What a waste of time. Investing your energy and interest in people when they are just going to leave you and every time you see them you feel that pang of missing them. Should you miss them? Do you have a right to miss them? Was it your fault that you stopped talking, is it your fault for this sinking feeling in your stomach whenever you see them?

I am lucky enough to hardly ever see people who were once a part of my life. And those who I do tend to see regularly I don’t feel too disheartened by because I came to the realisation that they weren’t very nice people before I cut my ties.

That was my choice though wasn’t it? The kind of friendships that just drift apart and there is no explanation just radio silence. I hate them.

Here I am thinking of all the things that I have done wrong. Here I am hating myself because we could have been friends for years. Here I am thinking that if I get married or have children that they were going to be there, they were going to support me when I needed it most. Yet there is just nothing. It ends up feeling like in the big events of your life there is hardly going to be anyone there because at some point everyone just ups and leaves.

I am so invested in people maybe that’s my problem. I expect too much from people and they can fulfil my expectations. I put my all into trying to make people happy and trying to make sure that I am not annoying people. But it gets to the point that I need so much reassurance that they probably get sick of me and decide that this isn’t quite what they want.

Every time I let someone in I give them a part of me and I try so hard. But then they leave and they take that small part of me with them and all I want is it back because they don’t even realise they have it and there is a part of me missing where our friendship used to be.

I guess that everything happens for a reason, sometimes I just wish that someone could tell me those reasons.

I know this is just a rambling I don’t even know what I’m getting at.