Five and a half years ago
i cut myself open for the first time
feeling like my blood running down the drain
took my sadness with it
first attempt: failed

five years ago
i had to say I had fallen
i had to say I was always cold
i had my ‘friends’ all mock how I dealt with things

four and a half years ago
i nearly got hit by a car,
i decided to tell my parents about self harm
i felt humiliated when a doctor said the words,
“you’re too smart to be depressed”

four years ago
i felt more isolated than I ever have
i wanted to escape
second attempt: failed

three years ago
my mum found me crying on the floor
screaming for this pain to stop
i went back to therapy,
it didn’t help

two and a half years ago
i finally stopped cutting my body open
trying to deal with things in different ways,
elastic bands, ice, scratching, punching, burning myself
will this ever get any better?

a year and a half ago
i’m meant to be better right?
third attempt: failed
throwing up codine at 1am in a park is never how I imagined life turning out
please make this end

a year ago
i struggled to drag myself out of bed
i needed help
i don’t want to focus on the point my mum is an alcoholic

five months ago
i started university
i get out of bed even when I don’t feel like it
i want this so badly
i’m taking my tablets, im going to get more help
i’m getting there


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