childhood is meant to be a time filled with happy memories
all i remember from my childhood is my mum falling apart
falling in love with someone who just destroyed her more 

losing everyone who truly did love her. 
i tried to help. i really did. 
i told you that i loved you, that you had to stop drinking. that it’s going to kill you. 
if i have children i want them to meet you, but at this rate they never will. 

depression and sadness does funny things to people. 
you turn to coping mechanisms that aren’t healthy for you. 
but you can never get help until you admit it. 
you are an alcoholic. 

you and i both know it. 
you chose a man over your own son,
you sat and listened to him in bed
telling him that if your son ever came home how he would stab him
and you just let it happen
you let your only son run in fear. 

i know you don’t have time for me anymore,
so i don’t have the time for you either. 
i guess this is growing up
and part of that is letting go. 

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3 thoughts on “childhood

  1. I am so sorry that you have gone through (are going through) all this. I am afraid that I was the mom who put my kids second so that I could find love – a deep regret now, but there is no going back. I did not drink but I worked 60 hour weeks, which also made me unavailable.
    The most important thing is that you value yourself, and that you find a way to distance yourself from responsibility for your mother’s actions.
    Writing is good therapy. Do you have anyone else you talk to, such a professional counsellor?

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    1. thank you for your kind words. i was going to counselling but they were a voluntary organisation and wanted me to go through signing up again and being put to a different therapist so i stopped. i guess it’s just me now i have to rely on. i hope you are well and that everything has worked out for you and your children.

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      1. In some ways it has worked out – they are all adults now and I am remarried to a good man. I left home at 17 because of my parents’ problems (alcoholism was part of it) and I know it has taken me years to heal all the fragments left behind. My heart feels for you.

        Liked by 1 person

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