flowers

flowers

I am supposed to be a flower
blooming radiantly
yet all of my petals are gone
from asking,
does he love me?
does he love me not?
and my thorns are now growing inwardly

Is this how it is going to be forever?
do I need to just lean how to live like this?

Or will I be reborn
like a lily in spring,
more beautiful than ever.

am thoughts

am thoughts

1:40am

I told myself you would complete me, but you just fucking broke me

 

1:56am

She is probably tangled in your arms whilst you are tangled in my thoughts

 

2:31am

How can I begin to feel alive again? when at this time of night I feel like the sun will never come up again, my life will always be filled with grey and black, I will never feel love like I felt for you.

 

3:04am

Why am I never good enough? What is wrong with me? What have I done to anyone other than love them with my whole entire being? Why is that not enough? will anyone able to just love me how I fucking deserve

 

4am

I want to make you proud, I want to make you feel like you should be alive without being intoxicated. I’m sorry you feel you must numb the pain with vodka but how am I meant to help you when you can’t admit to me you’re struggling?

her

her

I bet that her eyes shine like stars in the night sky,
while mine are clouded and dull with dark thoughts,

I bet her lips are soft and smooth and easily kissable,
where mine are cracked and frayed from the cigarettes I smoked to feel alive,

I bet she has lovely soft hair full of life,
while mine is dying from when I tried to dye it to maybe be more of what you wanted,

I bet she has curves in the right places,
when I can’t even look in the mirror without feeling sick,

I bet that she will be more of a woman that I ever could,
I really hope you treat her better than you treated me.

1000 days

1000 days

1,000 days

24,000 hours

1,440,000 minutes

86,400,000 seconds

since i last took a razor to my fragile skin

since i felt the need to cut myself out of my own body

since i felt like i had to see my blood to feel like i’m alive

i’m not cured, i am so far from cured

but i don’t need that anymore

i don’t need to tear myself open to remind myself i am alive

so cheers to 1,000 days, here’s to the next 1,000 and the 2,000 after that and so on for the rest of my life

Sometimes we motivate ourselves by thinking of what we want to become. Sometimes we motivate ourselves by thinking about who we don’t ever want to be again. – Shane Niemeyer

(you)

(you)

all (I) wanted was for you to be there
for you to look after me
for you to (just) love every single part of my being

I (wanted) every part of you
I guess i thought there was something special about you
something that would shine like nothing else

maybe you couldn’t see that in me
everything I tried (to be) didn’t hit the mark
I wanted to show you all of my (good) parts
and hide away all of the bad

I guess I didn’t try hard (enough)
maybe I should blame my sadness for you turning to someone else

2016

2016

I want to be strong and unfeeling,
i want to deny that when I hear your name my blood does not boil,
I can’t wait until my skin cells die and it will be like you never touched me

you were someone who was meant to complete me
but you made me realise a valuable thing of this year;

I need to fill my empty spaces myself and try and not find others to fill them

there have been many lessons I have learned this year
I wish I could deal with things better
I wish I didn’t crack and shatter every time something goes a tiny bit wrong
you lose people and you gain people
that’s life and I need to be at peace with that

nothing ever runs smoothly
life is a serious of ups and downs,
twists and turns
I feel myself becoming unhinged from my track sometimes,
I know I am on the right path,
just now though it is a very tedious one.

guilt

guilt

i should not feel guilty that other people want me in a way that you no longer did,
but i do,
and i have no idea why

i left you, with you crying at my feet
begging me to stay

nothing would have changed if i had stayed
i’m trying to be a better person,
im trying to learn from my mistakes instead of making the same ones over and over again

i tell myself on bad days that i don’t deserve love
i don’t deserve to feel wanted
not by a lover and not by friends

but i do, deep down i know i do
i am worthy of love,
i deserve to be treated like a princess

even if you couldn’t give that to me. i will find someone who can