how is it possible to feel everything all at once and then feel nothing? 

how is it possible to hate you with every single fibre of my being and then to just feeling nothing. you don’t deserve my hate, you deserve nothing. 

there are times where i should be overwhelmed with happiness. that it should swallow me up and i should feel like i never want to escape. but instead i sit and feel numb, i feel empty. i just want happiness, just for more than a few hours. 

there are so many things that have shaped me into the person i’ve become. i guess for some of them it might be a good thing. i am where i am because of my experiences, i have a desire to help people so they’re not as alone as me. but i know that i shouldn’t feel like this the majority of the time. 

happiness is so rare, and the void of nothingness is so vast. i can’t seem to find the edges to claw myself out. it’s dark and it’s lonely and i hate it. but i guess that’s just how it is now. 

i had someone who could make me experience the most happiness i have ever experienced. someone who made me feel like i was on top of the world. but even that didn’t last long, when it was bad i felt like i was drowning. there was no way out. i know now i need to let myself find those extremes of happiness alone. i deserve to make myself happy. 

i shouldn’t need another person to complete myself. some days i feel like i am worthless and i am nothing. but on the good days at least i know i have myself. even if i am a bit broken. 

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One thought on “nothing 

  1. I think you hit the nail on the head here – we should not rely on somebody else for our own happiness. Whether that person be a romantic interest or simply a friend.

    I think one of the worst things about depression (at least in the way I experience it) is the way in which it can strike unexpectedly and for seemingly no obvious reason. My own mood fluctuates wildly on a day to day basis. Sometimes it seems like it in control of me more than I am in control of it.

    I’m glad you recognise that you deserve happiness however. It’s a sign that you have some measure of control over your illness, even if it does not always seem like it at times 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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