a eulogy 

a eulogy 

During the night on Thursday a very important man in my life finally lost his battle with cancer. he fought so hard and i couldn’t be prouder to have been related to him. at the funeral to pay my respects i’m going to read a eulogy for him. forever in my heart pops. 

Goodbyes are never easy. Not when you know everything is so final, not when you know that you’re going to walk into a room and never see someone again. Not when you can’t phone them to just wish them a happy birthday or merry Christmas. My relationship with my pop was one of little words, he was sporty and I was the complete opposite, but I knew just being there was what mattered to him. 

My pop or poh as he seemed to sign all the cards he gave to Ryan or I, was a man who was very strong and independent and you weren’t allowed to forget that. He was stubborn and always wanted to do things for himself, if his mind was made up then that was the end of it, don’t bother arguing because you won’t win. The one thing that mattered to him, more than anything else as most of you well know, was his love of Liverpool. Not only Liverpool but a love of sports in general. One question he never failed to ask when me or anyone else was visiting, ‘have you been watching the cricket?’ i remember Ryan telling me he’d finally learned the rules of cricket when he stayed with him. I don’t think anyone ever answered yes, but I feel it became a sort of routine. I think how much love for sport is why I found it hard to hold conversation at some points because he had so much knowledge and I was just uneducated, but if he wanted to talk about any sports I was always there to listen and nod my head at the appropriate times like I had a clue what was going on. I feel as a child there are a lot of memories being in my nana and pops house as a family, sitting around the table, eating food and enjoying each other’s company. The best times have to be the sort of banter that my nana and pop always seemed to have between each other, even when I think back now it never fails to make me smile. In retrospect, my favourite recent memory was from December last year when we all went out for dinner. I could tell that pop was getting upset and I went to hug him and he whispered in my ear that he was so proud of me and nana would be too and that I had grown up to be such a mature and lovely young woman. This meant a lot to me because it wasn’t the type of relationship where things like this get said often, but they are words that I will cherish for the rest of my life. No matter what happened in life pop always managed to find the strength within himself to smile and put on a brave face, even making jokes. Two years in April he would have been told that he only had eight to twelve months and he completely proved that wrong. He was also told that they never though he would be able to walk again but there he was with his crutches and stick wandering around the house and still having the sheer determination to get up the stairs again. That has made me think about things and realise that no matter what anyone tells you that if you work hard enough and if you have enough determination you can make it where you want to be. There will never be a time where I don’t think of my pop, if there is football on, especially Liverpool. When I hear you’ll never walk alone and of course when I reach milestones in the rest of my life because you want to share these with the people who mean the most to you.

I guess I never really told pop how much he meant to me, even if he knew it in his heart I wish I had told him more. I always remember him telling me that “that’s life, family, conversation it’s brilliant” he loved his family (as much as he loved his guiness) and wanted everyone to share it with him. If I could tell him one last thing it would be that I loved him and that I would see him soon. No matter how difficult goodbyes are I know some are for the best. To never hear Ted shout “Book Him!!” From the kitchen as he watched the football again is a loss but selfish as it seems I wish that he was still here but I am glad he is no longer suffering. He is back with nana, Marie, his reason to be and I believe that is truly where he belongs. I’ll see you again someday pop, hopefully not too soon, but I promise I will.

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nothing 

nothing 

how is it possible to feel everything all at once and then feel nothing? 

how is it possible to hate you with every single fibre of my being and then to just feeling nothing. you don’t deserve my hate, you deserve nothing. 

there are times where i should be overwhelmed with happiness. that it should swallow me up and i should feel like i never want to escape. but instead i sit and feel numb, i feel empty. i just want happiness, just for more than a few hours. 

there are so many things that have shaped me into the person i’ve become. i guess for some of them it might be a good thing. i am where i am because of my experiences, i have a desire to help people so they’re not as alone as me. but i know that i shouldn’t feel like this the majority of the time. 

happiness is so rare, and the void of nothingness is so vast. i can’t seem to find the edges to claw myself out. it’s dark and it’s lonely and i hate it. but i guess that’s just how it is now. 

i had someone who could make me experience the most happiness i have ever experienced. someone who made me feel like i was on top of the world. but even that didn’t last long, when it was bad i felt like i was drowning. there was no way out. i know now i need to let myself find those extremes of happiness alone. i deserve to make myself happy. 

i shouldn’t need another person to complete myself. some days i feel like i am worthless and i am nothing. but on the good days at least i know i have myself. even if i am a bit broken. 

it’s my body and my life

it’s my body and my life

since when did people think they could walk about judging everything when it has absolutely nothing to do with them? you don’t like someone’s make up? well good job you’re not wearing it! you don’t like someone’s clothes? well good job you didn’t pay for them! you don’t like how many people someone has slept with? good for you, that’s not your place to judge. 

i’m so sick of people thinking they can dictate what others do when quite frankly it is none of their business. be a little more considerate for how those people who feel they look 10/10 and you’re throwing you judgements out there and putting them down. 

that’s not your place. it never will be your place. as far as i’m concerned who i talk to, what i do, who i see, what i wear, the way my make up is done, however many people i’ve slept with it doesn’t fucking concern you. it’s my life and i’ll live it however i want without your judgement.