i’m so fucking sick of feeling this sadness. i try to tell myself that everything is getting better. that i no longer want to kill myself, that because i don’t tear myself open that i’m no longer sad. i’m okay.
but i’m not. i’m so bad at dealing with things. so bad at dealing with everything. and when there is one thing that goes wrong it feels like in my head the whole world is going to shit. one wrong thing after the other and it just makes me hate myself even if i can’t help it.
i’m so stressed, i’m letting everything build up, and i feel like can’t really talk to anyone. i sound annoying, i sound needy, i sound pathetic. i’m supposed to be fine. everything is good right? i’m at university, i have friends, i have a boyfriend, i should be happy right? so why can’t my mind let me be fucking happy.
there’s always something, some small thing that makes me think that i should just give up. i should stop trying to fix myself. i should be a mess and i should let everyone else know that i feel a mess. but i can’t, because i’m better. i’m sure i’m better. i just don’t know how to convince my mind, because it insists on telling me how fucked up things are and makes me into a psychopath about things that shouldn’t drive me crazy.
i need to try to not be such a paranoid, emotional wreck. i just need to be and feel normal, but i’m not even sure what normal is anymore.