an open letter to you

an open letter to you

i told myself that maybe i could get over things, maybe you were the person you told me you were. maybe you were different. but the trust i worked so hard to build up was gone within a matter of seconds, thats what seems to happen when you think its okay to ask for naked photos of other girls whilst you’re in a relationship and claim its okay because ‘they’re lesbians and nothing would happen’.

you still asked. and in a way you still got something, just off of their friend. although you deny that, its in black and white. and of all the things you’ve not been one hundred percent honest about, i just dont know if i can believe you.

nearly two years of my life has been wasted. two years where i finally began to feel like i’d met the person that i might one day marry and start a future with. i believed you when you told me you had changed, you had grown up, you werent the way you used to be. i guess that was foolish, i guess i could have saved myself the heartbreak and misery.

i put my all into a relationship that was always going to be one-sided. i tried so fucking hard to make you want me, to make you see that i was right here and i would have done anything to make you happy. i didnt go out because i would rather see you, i would stop talking to people to help your ego. i did everything and it still wasnt enough. maybe i’ll never be enough.

you tried to tell me i broke you, but let me tell you something, you broke yourself. you gave up and you betrayed me. so no, don’t try to lay the blame on me. and in all honesty if 24 hours after we break up you can be on Tinder and begging for other girls attention over facebook you’re not ‘broken’ you just need someone to want you.

right now i would rather rip my heart out than get back with you. i dont want to speak to you and i dont want to see you because of the anger you’ve put inside of me. i think because of you i would rather be alone than have to go through the pain and upset of a relationship. so thank you for making my trust issues and self-esteem a lot worse than they already were.

 

i hope you find the girl of your dreams, since i guess that wasn’t me.

goodbye

goodbye

how do you say goodbye? how do you tell someone you love them when it’s never been the type of relationship you’ve had? how are you supposed to know when might be the last time you see someone?

i’m so proud to have someone who tells me they’re proud of me, that others would be proud of me. i might not know what to say all the time, the conversation to make because i’m not good with sports. i’m not good with awkward conversation. i just know that me being there means something to you.

you were given eight months ago about 14 months ago. so even then you’ve beaten the odds. to be told you would never walk again and go completely smash that with your determination. i don’t know how i’m going to cope. i don’t want to have to say goodbye.

the thought of you being in a nursing home breaks me. i know that you hate the idea. i know that you’re stubborn and you’ve said no. but i also know there is no other choice. i wish i could help. i wish i could do something.

goodbye seems so final. in this situation it is so final. i know that i will have to let go. and i’m not ready. i don’t want you to go yet. i just want to keep you here. but that’s selfish, i don’t want you to be in pain, i don’t want to have you struggling. i just don’t want to let go yet.

sad

sad

i’m so fucking sick of feeling this sadness. i try to tell myself that everything is getting better. that i no longer want to kill myself, that because i don’t tear myself open that i’m no longer sad. i’m okay.

but i’m not. i’m so bad at dealing with things. so bad at dealing with everything. and when there is one thing that goes wrong it feels like in my head the whole world is going to shit. one wrong thing after the other and it just makes me hate myself even if i can’t help it.

i’m so stressed, i’m letting everything build up, and i feel like can’t really talk to anyone. i sound annoying, i sound needy, i sound pathetic. i’m supposed to be fine. everything is good right? i’m at university, i have friends, i have a boyfriend, i should be happy right? so why can’t my mind let me be fucking happy.

there’s always something, some small thing that makes me think that i should just give up. i should stop trying to fix myself. i should be a mess and i should let everyone else know that i feel a mess. but i can’t, because i’m better. i’m sure i’m better. i just don’t know how to convince my mind, because it insists on telling me how fucked up things are and makes me into a psychopath about things that shouldn’t drive me crazy.

i need to try to not be such a paranoid, emotional wreck. i just need to be and feel normal, but i’m not even sure what normal is anymore.