distance 

distance 

it’s weird how you can make a connection with someone who you’ve never met before isn’t it? 

one of the closest people to me lives over four hundred miles away. but that doesn’t really make any difference to me that there’s a possibility I’m never going to actually meet them. social media has always been a great outlet for me to talk to because because I’m so much more outgoing than I would be in person because I’m just too awkward for life. 

we started speaking a really long time ago just in passing of asking if they were okay because they seemed a bit down on Twitter. and then it all just sort of went on from there. 

I’m glad to have someone no matter how far away that they support me and are there for me no matter what. and I return the favour in trying to be funny when I’m really not in an attempt to make them smile when the day has been a bit shit. 

it makes me sad to see them sad, to know that things aren’t going the way that they want them too. but I know that they are intelligent and loving and caring and no matter what, however long it takes they will find true happiness and I will be there along the way. I guess when they’re upset I wish I could just go to their house with a tub of Ben and jerrys and make them smile. but I do my best. and I honestly hope that is enough. 

I guess it gets to a point where a person grows on you so much they almost become a part of you. a part that you never want to lose because it would feel like waking up in the morning and you have had your leg amputated. I’m the type of person to get attached to people and then that’s it. I guess it can be suffocating, sometimes and I hate to think that I could fuck it up. 

I’m so lucky to have a friend who supports me and tells me that I could do anything if I put my mind to it. someone who is always there when I need them (if they’re not playing zombies, but it’s okay I’m cool with that)

you

you

this is a mix of things of people who are in my life or who have been I guess

you were the one who was always there, who I tried my best to help and make happy. you were also the one who decided I wasn’t worthy of you. 

you were the one who taught me that no matter what happens you can always succeed. you dropped out of uni and yet you’re the best at what you do and I’m so happy that you’re a role model in my life.

you are far away. yet you are someone who puts up with me every single day and listens to my shit when I’m sad, happy, drunk, whatever. I appreciate you so much. 

you were the first person I had any real feelings for. yet you told me you wished I was never born and that was the end of that. 

you put up with my shit. I guess it could be said you just tolerate me but I love you with my whole being. you make me feel like I have some sort of purpose. 

you lied to me and you fucked me over. you are one of the biggest mistakes i could have made. yet being with you put me on the road to recovering. 

you were a coping mechanism. you were there when I needed you, then you weren’t. you made promises that you just broke. you knew so much yet treated me like a stranger. 

you called yourself my best friend. but in reality all you were was a bitch, I was just someone to fuel your conversations. yet I still hope that you are happy. 

you are one of the strongest women I know. you have been through so much and I’m so happy that you have managed to beat all of it. I can’t imagine ever losing you. I love you more than anything in the world. 

living with an alcoholic 

living with an alcoholic 

unfortunately my mum has quite a bad drinking problem. she doesn’t see it as alcoholism. I guess that is part of the problem, she can’t admit she has one. and therefore she feels she doesn’t need help for a problem which doesn’t exist.

I guess it could be worse. she could be drinking before going out during the day and doing her job which involves driving. however the alcohol may still be in her system from the night before. I guess I know the majority will have dissipated.

when she comes in the first thing she will do is sneak up to her room to get a drink of vodka from wherever the bottle she’s bought this time has been hidden. I know it’s bad as every other week she is buying a litre of vodka and I find other bottles littered around the house.

I used to spend an hour and a half making a journey home from school that only took half an hour just because I didn’t want to be in the house. when people are drunk they say things which can hurt you can can make you feel like absolute shit. and when I was in a bad place that wasn’t what I needed.

one day when I got home from school I said I was going to go upstairs and she said “not going to try and kill yourself are you” and then laughed. why is that funny? if you had known that I had tried to before you wouldn’t be laughing. but since you knew I self harmed you thought that would be an appropriate comment to make.

I know that there must be some darkness inside of her as to the reason why she fills that void with alcohol. she was on anti depressants but I learned today that she hasn’t taken them in quite a while. home life isn’t exactly happy so I guess it could be that too.

I always felt it was my fault for not being a good enough daughter. but I’ve tried. I’ve told her I want her to be there to meet my children. to be a granny. If she keeps drinking that’s never going to happen. she’s lost family over not only drink but the choices mixed with that. it makes me sad as she is throwing everything away. 

I know life must be hard. but I have tried to reason so many times and I no longer know what to do. 

you said… but it wasn’t true

you said… but it wasn’t true

you said that you would be there when I needed you. where were you when it was two in the morning and you read my messages and didn’t bother to reply?

you said that you would stand by me. where are you now? did things get too hard or did you just get bored?

you said that I was the only person for you. I’m not sure that was the case when your lips were on hers and she was in your bed instead of me.

you said that you would never be able to move on from me. that’s why you were with someone else a week after we split.

you said the night before that you would never leave and then you sat us down to say you were moving out. 

you said that I was beautiful the way I am. yet you told me I shouldn’t be eating some things and maybe to lose some weight. 

you said you wanted me. but you just didn’t want to be alone. 

you said that you would stop drinking if I got help. but I stopped getting help and you still try to hide your alcohol. 

you said that you understand when I’m upset but you tell me to try and not cry and to smile more. 

you said it’s just 6 weeks away, nothing will change. but you couldn’t keep your hands off someone else. 

you said you cared, but when I was in hospital you would rather argue than ask how I was. 

you said that there was no one else, but you had already told her we had split up.

you said that I was a part of the group. that’s why you would all sit in a group chat and talk about me while I was at the same table. 

alone 

alone 

I know that I am not alone. but in my mind sometimes I still am.

I have someone who loves me and wants to be with me. should that not be enough to wipe this lonely feeling from within me?

I don’t mind having low maintenance friends who you don’t really speak to a lot but at the same time when you see each other nothing has changed. but it makes me feel maybe I’m just not important.life is so busy sometimes that I know people get lost in the haze. I wish maybe I wasn’t so easy to forget about. 

maybe I just need attention. not that I would do anything for it because I’ve been branded annoying too many times. 

I have people at college who seem like they are my friends. but when my last exam is over with I’ll probably never hear from them again. 

I know I have people who I can speak to but it never really fills the void. 

I guess I feel alone because I feel like everyone in someway is temporary. everyone gets bored of me. how can I make people stay? how can I make you want to be a part of my life? 

there are two people who I can think of in the past few years who have put up with me nearly every single day. I don’t want to fuck up. 

I guess one of my biggest fears is to be truly alone. right now I feel alone but I know I have people. maybe at some point I’ll just have myself, and then I will most likely go truly insane. 

a quote that has stuck in my mind 

a quote that has stuck in my mind 

“On the girl’s brown legs there were many small white scars. I was thinking, Do those scars cover the whole of you, like the stars and the moons on your dress? I thought that would be pretty too, and I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.” – Little Bee by Chris Cleaves

about two years ago I read this book and in the opening few pages there was this quote. the book is about a girl who is finally getting out of a camp for refugees. I think if I remember correctly. 

I used to think my scars were ugly. and I was annoyed and angry that they just wouldn’t fade away because I would always have ugly arms and I would always hate them. but that’s not the case now. I’m not proud of what I went through to make these scars but I am proud that they are there now to show that I survived. that I fought and that I won and I won’t give in. 

it has been nearly 800 days since I last cut myself open. my skin has came back together and my mind has become stronger. I know that I am worth so much more than a razor against my skin. I feel like when I was younger the things I hurt myself over were trivial and silly but to me inside my head they were massive. 

in this day and age self harm is still such a massive problem. I had my boyfriends sister tell me that although she had never hurt herself there had been nights where she had sat with a knife to her wrist. this broke my heart and I cried for about and hour hugging her because I never want her to feel alone and to feel like she has to go through that. 

the other day when I was talking to her she told me her friend had been hurting herself and that she helped her to go to the school who told her mum and helped her to get it sorted. I was really proud of this because I know she is such a strong girl and she’s gonna grow up to become such an amazing individual. 

I know scars being defined as beautiful can be a bit controversial as it can be seen as romanticizing self harm. I’m not doing that at all because there is nothing romantic about shaking late at night with blood pouring out of you because you have no other way that works to make you feel better. however people you see with scars should not be seen as weird or different. they are just normal people who have have had their struggles. 

summer is coming 

summer is coming 

I used to dread summer. at times I still do, I’m not good with heat and I have very fair skin so I burn easily. but the reason I used to hate it was the fact of having to cover up to hide scars.

last year was the first time where I felt confident enough to really go out and have my arms on show and not be afraid of what people though. at times I could still sense people staring and it made me feel slightly uneasy but I didn’t care. I knew that this was a big step for me. I was letting strangers see something about me that a year or two ago my family didn’t even know about. 

I hate when people stare because I know that inside they could be judging me or that they could be emphasizing because they have been through something similar. I know whenever I see someone with scars I don’t stare but it catches my eye and all I want to do is hug them.