I wish that when we have an argument it didn’t get to me so much that I feel like my world is falling apart around me.
I don’t know why that is. maybe because you mean so much to me. maybe because when you say things you don’t mean I feel like I have a knife in my chest. maybe I just want everything to be perfect all the time. but I know that is not going to happen. everything has their ups and downs and I need to try to deal with them better than turning into a pile of ash and hoping the wind sweeps me away so I don’t have to deal with it.
I am the type of person to tell everyone I am fine while I am telling myself that I hate me and that I fuck up and I am just such a mess. why would anyone want to put up with that? it’s pretty horrible really to think so low of yourself and not being able to get out of those feelings.
I hate that I am not stronger to be okay. I hate that I’m not stronger to turn my unneeded emotions to stone. I hate that people feel like they are always trying to pick the pieces of me up because I’ve been so fragile and little parts of me have broken off when I’m trying to pretend I’m okay.
maybe I wasn’t born to be a strong woman. maybe I will always be someone who will just sway with the wind and go with what everyone else wants. I want to make everyone else happy. I want to be the one that’s cheering on from the sidelines even if I am not involved.
maybe I’ll never be strong. but I wish I was.