people seem to ask you this question with such hope in their eyes. the hope that they are not going to have to see you break again because you are ‘better’.

I’m not sure there is such a thing as being completely better from depression. I am not sure that one day I will wake up and no longer fear my bad days. I’m not sure that I can say that I will never break down because I am afraid of failing or that the voices in my head are telling me that I’m not good enough again. I want to be able to look at you truthfully and say “yes, I’m better. you don’t have to worry anymore” but I can’t. I can’t look you in the eyes and promise you sanity. maybe this is just a peak on the roller coaster. 

you need to realize that just now I am feeling okay. I can have a positive outlook for the most part. but that isn’t the way that it always is. I still have days where I feel like I cannot drag myself out of bed, but I do it. because I need to try and benefit myself. 

looking in from the outside you may see it as ‘better’. I see it as progress. I am fighting those little demons that are inside of me trying to put my down. I can’t guarantee that one day they won’t win. maybe it will just be for a day, maybe it will be for a week. I can never say. 

I guess in many ways I could class myself as being better. I no longer feel the urge to hurt myself to take my mental pain out physically. but maybe this isn’t such a good thing as maybe I’m bottling it all up instead. right now I feel steady and that is the way I want it to stay. 

mental illness is unpredictable. you can feel like you are on top of the world and then like you are under it. I wish I could say I am fine. but I’m not going to lie. 

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3 thoughts on ““you’re better now aren’t you?”

  1. Hi, just discovered your blog and I totally understand where you’re coming from. I have depression and anxiety too and it is so, SO hard to explain to people who have never experienced it. On days where I’m actually feeling ok they seem surprised, as if I have to be a weeping, shuffling, husk of a person every single day or I’m not “properly depressed”. It’s ridiculous! You’re so right, it is completely unpredictable and I think that’s a huge part of what makes it such a horrendous illness. And it sucks so much that so many people can’t even acknowledge that is IS an illness, let alone one of the most dangerous ones you can have. You are brave to talk so openly about your experience, I’ve just hit follow and look forward to more posts from you 🙂 My blog is https://sadaptation.wordpress.com/ , it’s about mental health / depression / anxiety too if you’re interested. You have an internet friend in me any time xx

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    1. this is so lovely of you! I’m trying to be more open in my recovery as I am hopefully going to study mental health nursing in September and I guess I need to be completely okay with my own experiences first! I have followed you 😊

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