okay, story time.
cue the flashback.
January 2014 (roughly I can’t remember the exact date because well who cares) started talking to one person who would benefit my life in one way, but in a negative way, if you can even say that, and then messed me up in many other ways.
I’ve taken to not naming people in my blog because I feel this is an easier way to do things, so for this sake I will refer to this person as A (just because I have a little bit of love for pretty little liars).
I think I’ve stated this before I am the WORST person at recognizing the warning signs. this is another experience on this, that may have taught me, but I home that my current relationship never goes down this road.
big hint there: this is about relationship number 2 (number one hasn’t been spoke about because I’m not all too sure what to say). I thought I was in love with someone who seemed to be a figment of my imagination, even though they were in fact a real person, I just made them out to be a much better person than they actually were. big mistake number one.
so I put A on a pedestal that they certainly didn’t deserve. probably should mention that I wouldn’t have made this mistake if they lived near me, no A lived over 400 miles away. big mistake number two, for me at least – no judgement of long distance relationships.
to start off with we didn’t actually state we were together, A just assumed we were and that is how it all started. romantic right? not exactly but I was head over heels for someone who seemed to say all the right things and would sit for hours on FaceTime with me. which I enjoyed because it was very lonely for me at the time. this all ended up going downhill and I seemed to let it.
I’m not all too sure where it happened, but A cheated on me and then proceeded to lie about it, like you do. this then turned to accusing me of trying to cheat on him through guilt, I was oblivious at the time and was feeling terrible that they could ever think that of me. I knew that something wasn’t 100% correct, so I went digging around the world of Twitter and found tweets the were indirect to A as they had been favoriting them. when confronted there was yet another lie. cut to the chase, eventually it was admitted, by this point it was about four months into the relationship. I was in too deep and I let it slide, A seemed genuinely regretful of their actions. big mistake number three. this ended up being blamed on me, because I apparently didn’t make much effort. more about that later. don’t worry.
we finally met up in the summer of 2014, everything seemed perfect, A travelled to see me and then I went back to their house. in the first week when surrounded with my family everything was bliss, I felt like this was so right. yet when going to their house it changed and was like there was just arguments all the time.
we met another 4 times in the space of the 8 months we were together. mostly me traveling there, which is more effort I think? A was a very controlling person, they didn’t like me speaking to other people and I had to text them almost every minute of they day or they would go in a mood with me, however there was some double standards there as it was different the other way around, A was allowed to ignore me for days leaving me to go mad worrying if they were cheating on me again.
A at a point told me that they no longer loved me and didn’t want to be with me. this destroyed me inside and made me feel sick to the stomach. how can someone just not love you anymore? soon they changed their mind and told me that they didn’t mean it. I accepted this after a lot of convincing. big mistake number four.
a week or so after I ended up doing something I regret and logged into their Twitter without them knowing. I had been able to crack their password from when they had told me a password for a college thing. I was in and I was so surprised that it had worked. big mistake number five.
in these messages on A’s Twitter account I found that they had been talking to someone else asking for nudes and saying that they had broken up with me. at this point I confronted them, not being straight at the point that I had got information from their Twitter but if there was someone else. more lies. I ended things, I cut the ties.
it didn’t stop there, I was bombarded with messages. number blocked. I was then messaged on skype. blocked. I was then messaged over Facebook. blocked. you would think by this point A would have got the point? nope. sent a ‘I’m sorry card’. put it in the bin (after laughing at it). finally phoning my house. told my mum to tell him to get lost.
I finally stood up for myself. I knew I deserved better than how I was being treated. I was a million times the person that A was and I had to learn that.
the positive that came from this experience was the fact that I stopped hurting myself as A told me that they would leave me if I hurt myself. this scared me into not doing in, and now I have bettered myself to finding a healthier coping mechanism.
my self-esteem suffered. I am under the impression now that I will never be suffice. that I don’t deserve love and that I am someone to be cheated on. i felt like even though I ended it I had been shattered into a million pieces after trying so hard to rebuild myself.
looking back on this I see now that I should never have felt that way, I came to getting over A as I realized they were not the person I thought they were. I made them out to be kind and loving and compassionate. in reality they were just a poison, their toxicity seeped into my bones and made me feel like I was rotting away. after I realized that the person I ‘loved’ was a figment of my imagination I had my antidote and I was free.
everything in the end is just a learning curve.
Don’t need another warning sign, To tell me that we’re losing time, I’ve grown into this skin of mine, Like every other person I know. And I hope for better days, Late night, hard floorboard pain, I hope we see through the other side, I hope for better than this.