exams

exams

it’s time. ten days to go until my first exam.

to put it politely I am absolutely shitting myself. when I was in school I managed to study my arse off and still fail all of my exams bar one which I scraped a C in. what if that happens this year? what if I fail and I have no hope for getting into college next year never mind uni.

there are a lot of ‘what ifs’ in my head. mostly bad. what if I fail, what if I make loads of stupid mistakes, what if I let myself down along with everyone else, what if I don’t get into uni, what if my family are disappointed in me.

maybe it is just the way my mind works that I think of all the negatives before the positives. I should be thinking, what if I pass my exams, what if I make everyone including myself proud, what if I get into uni and can become a qualified nurse.

I’m stressed out to say the least. I’m trying so hard to not let it get to me but it is. I’m trying to fit all of my studying in whilst also having time to myself. when I begin to feel confident I go into a class and realize that I don’t know as much as I think I do.

every time I have an exam I tend to sit down and forget everything that I have ever learned. I feel like my mind is a blank slate so I try to write anything I can think of. but as soon as I leave that hall it all comes flooding back to me and I realize how much of an idiot I sound.

I am in a better place to what I was when I first sat my exams before. I hope this benefits me and I don’t make such a mistake as I did last time. I have tried so hard this year to juggle everything else that has been going on but I’m getting there.

I’m terrified of exams. I’m stressed and I don’t think I’m feeling quite prepared. but all I can do is my best and that is what I plan. at the end of the day, I can’t do better than my best. 

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depression awareness week

depression awareness week

18-24th of April is depression awareness week.

I think just about everyone knows that depression exists except from innocent children. 

most people will suffer from depression at one point in their life but when they are experiencing it, it can be one of the most lonely times in the world. those around you who have never experienced a bout of depression can be extremely supportive but they also don’t fully understand sometimes as they cannot see why you would feel this way when, if you are young you have your whole life ahead of you. 

I am writing this from the point of view of a young person. when I was diagnosed with depression I found it extremely hard to speak out to people as it just felt as if my concerns were going to be brushed off. people seem to think that if you are aged 14/15 you have no concept of the world and that you can’t possibly be depressed. I was also told in the first instance by my doctor that I was “too smart” to be depressed. which is one of the most stupid things a medical professional could say to you when you feel like your world is crumbling around you. 

everyone can experience depression in different ways and I just want to let people know how I felt when I was at my worst point. this may not be the same for everyone, but one thing is for sure that it is the most soul destroying time that I have had in my life. 

I was quite young when I first started to feel depression at the age of roughly 14. I didn’t quite know what was happening I just felt as if I was detached from everything. school had never been easy with making friends, so the friends I had made I slowly started to pull away as I thought they wouldn’t understand. my home life wasn’t very positive with violence towards my mum and her drinking problem. it made home a very hard place to be when all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and let it swallow me. 

I felt like I was standing on the outside of the whole world, everyone getting on with their lives while it was just me and depression.

I don’t think that I had a very hard childhood. I was never under privileged, if I needed anything then I got it. but I wasn’t spoiled. I always wanted to save for things on my own. I had a hard time deal with my dad leaving when I was younger and witnessing my mum fall apart. I felt so much stress from school to try to do my best. I always felt like I was going to be a failure and I hated myself for it. 

on my last year when I was at school I let my depression take over. I had just lost a very close family member and it made it even harder to cope. I had no motivation, I just wanted the world to end. giving that, I did terrible and failed all my exams and when I got my results I cried for hours thinking of how I was going to tell my parents. thinking they were going to throw me out on the streets and I was going to have to try and survive on my own. 

this obviously sounds very dramatic but it was how I felt. when I eventually found the courage to show my parents my results they both said they were proud of me for trying. 

I would cry myself to sleep every night wishing to wake up a different person. maybe not so much different, just back to the old me. but one thing I have realized now is that you can’t go back to being the person you were. that person no longer exists and you have to build a better person. 

I hated myself, on some days I still do. I hurt myself to try and release the pain in my head, which worked for a few hours and I felt like I had to do it again. I wouldn’t be able to sleep for all the thoughts whirling around in my head about how I wasn’t ever going to amount to anything, I wouldn’t ever be good enough. I wanted to die more than anything, just so I would be at peace and away from this suffering. I would lose concentration and there would be some days I would sit and lose hours, and snap out of my trance-like state to realize I’d been staring at a wall for the past two hours. 

I am getting better. I have better days, but i also still have bad days. I dream about going to uni and helping people who have been in the same situation as me. but I fear I am going to fail and be stuck in a dead end job that I hate. I have someone who loves me and wants to take care of me but I have the constant fear that I am not good enough and that I will be easily replaceable. 

I’m not sure if I will ever be completely better, but I would rather have one down day out of seven than all seven being terrible. 

self hate

self hate

I don’t think I’ve ever really liked myself. I don’t know why but it seems that there isn’t a lot to like. 

I used to look in the mirror and used to cry. I used to feel sick at the sight of myself. on some days I still do, and that is such a hard thing to deal with. I used to try to not eat and I used to feel like I was going to be sick after every meal. I didn’t want to be the way I was. the way I am. 
people say that you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else. I myself think that this is wrong. I don’t love myself and I dont think I ever will, but I pour all of those feelings into other people. to make them feel special and to make them feel like they’re worth something.

some days I wake up and I look at myself and wonder how anyone could love that. how anyone would want to wake up next to that in the morning. but I have someone who fills me with so much joy that when I wake up with them I never have those feelings. and I think that is pretty extraordinary. 

I feel worthless and that I couldn’t ever get anywhere in life. but I have peaks and I am on top of the world and I am a shining diamond against everyone who has ever hurt me or put me down. I know that I shouldn’t think this way and I wish could snap out of it but I can’t. 

I deserve more than to wallow in self hate and sometimes I need to remember that. 

what do you regret? 

what do you regret? 

when people ask me what I regret I tend to go for the common answer of “oh I don’t regret anything.” that’s normally just to throw them off. I don’t want to admit what I regret in fear of being judged or even worse accused of seeking attention.

the thing I regret most is attempting to kill myself. I think about it a lot when my mind is often wandering to how much of a stupid girl I was. it’s funny to think your life could have ended if it wasn’t for someone else making you throw up tablets in a park, and that it was only a year ago. when you’re supposed to be better and that’s what everyone thinks.

the thing is I can’t even remember what was going through my head, mostly that I just wanted the pain to end. it’s not the first time, but it will be the last. I have always said that i wouldn’t try because it would cause devastation to my family and the people around me. and I regret that I tried because I know that even thinking no one cared was a lie and i would have hurt so many people. 

I wish I could turn back time and not take those tablets. I’m still here and I’m glad I’m still here. I couldn’t stand the thought that I could have torn my whole family apart all because I couldn’t handle life at that moment in time. 

a thank you 

a thank you 

thank you to those who have let me down… you have taught me that not everyone is as pure as you make them out to be. people can’t always adhere to your expectations and be the people that you feel they can be in your heart. you have taught me that I can look after myself and do things on my own without your help 

thank you to those who have hurt me… you have taught me that no matter how bad things are at the time, I will heal. I will be able to pick up my shattered pieces and put them back as best as I can. you may have hurt me and you may have scarred me, but I am stronger for it. and I thank you for that. 

thank you to those who have supported me… I couldn’t have done it without you. I would not be the person I am today without the support from the friends and family that I have. thank you for showing me that I am more than I make myself out to be on my bad days. 

thank you to those who have been harsh when needed… no matter how difficult it is to accept that you have done wrong you need to be told. thank you to those who have told me to man up and stop being so stupid. in that I snapped out of wallowing in self pity and instead worked on bettering myself to be the individual I am today. 

finally, thank you depression… you are a bastard for making me feel the way I have for so many years. but I thank you, because within your poison I found a reason to survive. I found a reason to fight in helping others to stand up and fight too. you are no longer the ruler of my life, more my determination and some negative thoughts on the way to my goal. 

I wish I was stronger 

I wish I was stronger 

I wish that when we have an argument it didn’t get to me so much that I feel like my world is falling apart around me.

I don’t know why that is. maybe because you mean so much to me. maybe because when you say things you don’t mean I feel like I have a knife in my chest. maybe I just want everything to be perfect all the time. but I know that is not going to happen. everything has their ups and downs and I need to try to deal with them better than turning into a pile of ash and hoping the wind sweeps me away so I don’t have to deal with it. 

I am the type of person to tell everyone I am fine while I am telling myself that I hate me and that I fuck up and I am just such a mess. why would anyone want to put up with that? it’s pretty horrible really to think so low of yourself and not being able to get out of those feelings. 

I hate that I am not stronger to be okay. I hate that I’m not stronger to turn my unneeded emotions to stone. I hate that people feel like they are always trying to pick the pieces of me up because I’ve been so fragile and little parts of me have broken off when I’m trying to pretend I’m okay. 

maybe I wasn’t born to be a strong woman. maybe I will always be someone who will just sway with the wind and go with what everyone else wants. I want to make everyone else happy. I want to be the one that’s cheering on from the sidelines even if I am not involved.

maybe I’ll never be strong. but I wish I was. 

priorities 

priorities 

I have always been under the impression that it is never about how busy someone is it is all about where their priorities lie.

if someone wants to talk to you or spend time with you then they will make time within their day to do so. if you don’t receive a message all day, not even to say “I’m gonna be really busy today, speak to you tomorrow?” or something like that is it really worth it? I know that may sound pathetic to some people but I feel like this is how things should be. I am a very busy person that I hardly get any time to myself, I go to college every day of the week and then I work in a very busy job at the weekend. during working I’m not able to go on my phone, even if I wanted to I just don’t have the time. but in the morning I’ll text those who I speak to and say good morning, tell them to have a good day and that I’ll speak to them when I can. maybe that’s just me, but I’d hope that others would do the same. 

I’m one of those people who seems to need contact on a daily basis, I’m not quite sure what it is. I feel like if you talk to someone every day then there is more of a connection. if there is no message I feel like I’ve done something wrong and I end up spiraling into doubt that I’ve done something wrong and possible upset them. 

I understand that people have busy lives, I am one of those people. but I make time for those who I care about. I make time to see my family, I make time to see my boyfriend. I have very little friends but I make time to see them when they are free. no matter what I have going on in my life, be it work or exams or college I will always have time for those important people. 

it is never about being too busy, it’s about priorities.