you were a massive part of my life. and you managed to leave like I was nothing. how is that so easy for some people? you wake up one morning and decide that I am no longer worthy to be your friend any more.
it was last night after I couldn’t sleep and I was looking through old photos that I began to realize that I miss you. but at the same time I don’t. because I owe myself more than to be cut up over you.
you were the one who was there when I needed you in my darkest of times. and I tried to be the same for you, but I don’t think that was enough. actually I know that wasn’t enough because you told me yourself. that was your reasoning.
and it wasn’t even me you told. I heard it through someone else, I even got to see the message. it’s really horrible to see that someone says that you weren’t there for them enough.
I wasn’t there enough? well….
I don’t know how I couldn’t have been anymore ‘there’. at every point you needed me I tried to be the supportive friend. I tried to make you smile, I tried to make your sadness go away. when you were in hospital because you decided life was too much I traveled two hours there to spend and hour with you to the travel two hours home. when you had fallen out with your family I gave you a place to stay and when you were drunk I always tried to stay awake to make sure you were home okay. and finally, when you went missing I was distraught. I was more worried than anything, I tried to get in contact with you everyday after I found out that you were away getting some help. I wanted to do everything I could.
you were there for me too of course. I’m not going to lie and try and say that everything was one sided because it wasn’t. you always told me that I looked fine when I was insecure and there when I was having relationship problems or I was just sad.
I was infatuated with our friendship because I began to realize that as time wore on when I was sad, there was something bigger going on in your life. that made my problems not seem as big. but I am the kind of person who wants to help everyone and I put you before myself.
I guess it got to the point when I was fed up of you standing me up when we arranged to meet and becoming distant. I should have known that maybe you had gotten sick of me. I just feel horrible reading old messages about how you will always be there, through good and bad, and where are you now to see I’m happy?
I guess I’m glad you’re not here, because everything happens for a reason. I am getting somewhere with my life and it was your decision to not be a part of that. I guess that I’m okay with that now.
I miss you, the way we spoke and the memories we have, but I don’t miss you because I know I’m better for it