I think one of the most horrible things I have experienced while growing up has been the feeling of drifting from someone. All that time you have spent together, all the good times you have shared, all the things they know about you are just lost in some void of space that no longer exists between you two.
Just strangers with memories. Two people who once had some sort of connection now lost.
What a waste of time. Investing your energy and interest in people when they are just going to leave you and every time you see them you feel that pang of missing them. Should you miss them? Do you have a right to miss them? Was it your fault that you stopped talking, is it your fault for this sinking feeling in your stomach whenever you see them?
I am lucky enough to hardly ever see people who were once a part of my life. And those who I do tend to see regularly I don’t feel too disheartened by because I came to the realisation that they weren’t very nice people before I cut my ties.
That was my choice though wasn’t it? The kind of friendships that just drift apart and there is no explanation just radio silence. I hate them.
Here I am thinking of all the things that I have done wrong. Here I am hating myself because we could have been friends for years. Here I am thinking that if I get married or have children that they were going to be there, they were going to support me when I needed it most. Yet there is just nothing. It ends up feeling like in the big events of your life there is hardly going to be anyone there because at some point everyone just ups and leaves.
I am so invested in people maybe that’s my problem. I expect too much from people and they can fulfil my expectations. I put my all into trying to make people happy and trying to make sure that I am not annoying people. But it gets to the point that I need so much reassurance that they probably get sick of me and decide that this isn’t quite what they want.
Every time I let someone in I give them a part of me and I try so hard. But then they leave and they take that small part of me with them and all I want is it back because they don’t even realise they have it and there is a part of me missing where our friendship used to be.
I guess that everything happens for a reason, sometimes I just wish that someone could tell me those reasons.
I know this is just a rambling I don’t even know what I’m getting at.