“dysfunctional
dɪsˈfʌŋkʃənl/
adjective
adjective: dysfunctional
1. not operating normally or properly.
– unable to deal adequately with normal social relations.”

This is the choice word my gran picked to describe my family when I suggested that I was going to have a small party to celebrate my 18th. Being told your family is too dysfunctional to even get together to be there for you sucks. A lot. The one thing I wanted was for the people who care about me most to be there. However, due to my mum, no one would come if I happened to try and do something nice. Cool. 

“alcoholism
ˈalkəhɒlɪz(ə)m/
noun
1. addiction to the consumption of alcoholic drink; alcohol dependency.”

Talking about my mum and my not so well ordered family. One main detail. She’s an alcoholic, suffers from alcoholism, however you want to put it she likes a drink. Almost every day without fail I go home to her smelling of alcohol and trying to string together sentences that don’t work. I guess I’m at the end of knowing what today. As people say to get help, the person needs to want help and know that she has a problem. And she certainly doesn’t know she has a problem. I wish I could do something, but I’ve lost hope. Finding bottles of vodka hidden about the house everywhere you go isn’t a way to grow up.

“lonely
ˈləʊnli/
adjective
adjective: lonely; comparative adjective: lonelier; superlative adjective: loneliest
1. sad because one has no friends or company.”

Sometimes life gets lonely. I have one main person in my life but other than that, it can be rather lonely. I have some friends. I think. I don’t know if you can really call them friends. There are those people who you can talk to once in a while and see them and everything is like you see each other every day? I have one of them. It’s nice I guess. But sometimes life just gets in the way. I have people who I go to college with but I wouldn’t exactly call them my friends because I wouldn’t see them outside of college. I seemed to only be able to make friends online, perhaps because they don’t have to listen to my annoying voice or put up with seeing me every day. But sooner or later everyone gets bored. It’s okay to have someone there for you all the time, to be that rock. But at night when they are asleep and left with your thoughts. It gets lonely. Damn it really does.

“common sense
noun
1. good sense and sound judgement in practical matters.”

Something I lack a lot of. I guess sometimes I can be intellectually smart but I just can’t think sensibly when it comes to problem solving in real life situations. Maybe that’s one of my downfalls, not being able to assess the right decision you should make usually leads to you making the bad one. Can I buy common sense somewhere? I hope so. I’m gonna need it.

“heartbreak
ˈhɑːtbreɪk/
noun
1. overwhelming distress.”

This is one of those bad decisions. To let someone stay in your life when at every point there have been warning signs to say no, stop, get rid of them. Until it gets to the point they break you. I don’t know if I was in love but it caused me so much pain at the time that I’ve just decided I must have been. I always wondered how can you be in love with someone who you’re not dating? How can you be in love with someone who is so horrible to you. That was my fault. I saw the signs and I just ignored them. Because I was young and stupid and most certainly should have known better. Being put down on an every other day basis about your looks and your weight has some effect on you. Believe me. I guess the final thing was that person who you put on a pedestal who didn’t deserve to be there telling you that you’re so annoying they wished you were never born. Damn. That still sticks in my head. I guess it taints my daily life worrying that everyone I meet I’m just annoying.

“wanderlust
ˈwɒndəlʌst/
noun
1. a strong desire to travel.”

Whenever I thought about something I would love to do, it was always teavelling and seeing different parts of the world. To meet new people, have great experiences and learn about all different cultures. I guess to do that you need to have a lot of time, and a lot of money. Right now I have neither. Maybe I will never get to just pack up my things and go travelling, but I do hope that I get to see different parts of the world piece by piece. I feel that if I experience the life that others have experienced that it makes you a more rounded person. You can relate to people and have more intellectual conversations rather than just pointless small talk.

“love
lʌv/
noun
1. a strong feeling of affection.
2. deep affection
3. a great interest and pleasure in something.
verb
1. feel deep affection or sexual love for (someone).”

I think after being so unlucky people I was starting to doubt that love even existed. I guess that life just proves you wrong sometimes when you aren’t expecting it. I know that happiness shouldn’t come from others, but from within yourself. If you rely on other people for happiness that is probably going to crash and burn at some point. However when you have someone right there who is willing to try and understand what you are going through and do little things to make your life a little better it is difficult to not rely on them for your happiness. Saying that, its not just a bad idea concerning you, its a massive burden on them as well. I guess I am happy that I have someone who can love me when I am at my best, but also love me and try to make me smile when I am at my worst. To have someone who will witness you in a freezing cold bath with your life falling apart and try to fix it, got a keeper there.

“self-esteem
noun
1. confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect.”

I think this might also go hand in hand with love because my lack of self esteem makes me feel like I am destined to mess up my relationship and ultimately leave myself completely alone. On a good day, I feel like I may look okay and that I will be able to strive to where I want to be and become successful. However, on my bad days, I feel like I should push everyone away because they are better off without me, they could do so much better, I don’t deserve happiness, they deserve happiness and I cant provide that. It hard you know? I hate myself so much, but I am trying to think better of myself, trying to do better by myself. I don’t want to be a mess, I want to be someone to be proud of. I want to find pride in myself.

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