I miss you, but I don’t at the same time 

I miss you, but I don’t at the same time 

you were a massive part of my life. and you managed to leave like I was nothing. how is that so easy for some people? you wake up one morning and decide that I am no longer worthy to be your friend any more.  

it was last night after I couldn’t sleep and I was looking through old photos that I began to realize that I miss you. but at the same time I don’t. because I owe myself more than to be cut up over you.

you were the one who was there when I needed you in my darkest of times. and I tried to be the same for you, but I don’t think that was enough. actually I know that wasn’t enough because you told me yourself. that was your reasoning.
 

and it wasn’t even me you told. I heard it through someone else, I even got to see the message. it’s really horrible to see that someone says that you weren’t there for them enough.
 I wasn’t there enough? well….

I don’t know how I couldn’t have been anymore ‘there’. at every point you needed me I tried to be the supportive friend. I tried to make you smile, I tried to make your sadness go away. when you were in hospital because you decided life was too much I traveled two hours there to spend and hour with you to the travel two hours home. when you had fallen out with your family I gave you a place to stay and when you were drunk I always tried to stay awake to make sure you were home okay. and finally, when you went missing I was distraught. I was more worried than anything, I tried to get in contact with you everyday after I found out that you were away getting some help. I wanted to do everything I could.

you were there for me too of course. I’m not going to lie and try and say that everything was one sided because it wasn’t. you always told me that I looked fine when I was insecure and there when I was having relationship problems or I was just sad.

  

I was infatuated with our friendship because I began to realize that as time wore on when I was sad, there was something bigger going on in your life. that made my problems not seem as big. but I am the kind of person who wants to help everyone and I put you before myself.
I guess it got to the point when I was fed up of you standing me up when we arranged to meet and becoming distant. I should have known that maybe you had gotten sick of me. I just feel horrible reading old messages about how you will always be there, through good and bad, and where are you now to see I’m happy?
I guess I’m glad you’re not here, because everything happens for a reason. I am getting somewhere with my life and it was your decision to not be a part of that. I guess that I’m okay with that now.
I miss you, the way we spoke and the memories we have, but I don’t miss you because I know I’m better for it

night time sadness 

night time sadness 

there is that feeling when it gets to a certain point at night and you are just overwhelmed with sadness.

usually I’m okay I can tend to go to sleep early and be fine, but when I can’t sleep I seem to hit the same point when I am just stuck in a feeling of sadness. or emptiness. I’m not quite sure what one is worse. 

I wish that I wasn’t the type of person to over analyze every single detail. but I am. and I hate it. you think back to when you were young and something happened and if maybe you had changed that your life wouldn’t be the way it was now.

in a way life not being the same as it was now has its good points and has its bad points. I guess that through everything I am a tad grateful for everything that has happened. if I hadn’t been so sad and stuck in my own depression I wouldn’t have the aspirations that I have now and I wouldn’t have the few people in my life who actually care about me. 

I always catch myself thinking, it’s weird that I could be starting university in September. a year and a half ago I couldn’t even get out of bed. and damn that’s an achievement.

I wish that everything could just be consistent. I wish that my feelings were just mellow. I don’t wish for complete happiness anymore because I know that is not going to happen. 

I know that there has to be some bad days, I just want them not to be AS bad. I stopped wishing to be happy and just wishing to be okay. 

dear cancer.

dear cancer.

Dear cancer, I hate you. I know I’m not the only one.

I have tried my hardest to try and forget you exist but there you are at every corner. Getting your grips into family members and people I care about, why is that fair?

I thought it was bad enough when my nana was too scared about a lump on her neck to get it checked out, by the time she plucked up the courage it was too late. Three months, that was it. Diagnosis to death. It is fucking horrible.

I wasn’t in a good place at the time, I really wasn’t, and you had to make that worse. Thank you. Really how can I ever repay you?

Oh wait I know how, after losing his wife you then decided to attack my papa, great. However, he was lucky, the doctors caught you. But you just don’t give up do you? After removing his kidney, you just grow a tumour there in the place that it was. Shame on you.

Nearly a year ago I ran the race for life in memory of my nana and for my papa fighting. I managed to raise £500 and damn that is a good feeling, but it never fills the hole you have left inside of me.

I’m trying, I really am. Every day I wake up and I think of my nana. She was a massive part of my life and that will never go away. It’s the small things in life. You never truly realise how important people are to you in life until they are gone. Cliché I know, but it is the truest saying. From going to see someone once every week to being in their house and their presence is missed it just isn’t the same.

I believe in cancer research; I also believe in donating money to McMillan every year. Because when you were leaving your poison there was around the clock nurses there to support my nana and also my family. They set up a hospital bed in her house so that she was comfortable when you finally took her life away.

I know so many people these days who their worlds are torn apart when a family member has cancer. In this day and age, I know it is becoming more likely that people will survive but it is still a massive shock to the system.

I wish that I could say that after nearly 3 years I am coping with my nana being gone. But I’m not, I am really not okay with it at all. Every time I’m in her house I imagine her in her chair with a drink in her hand and a smile on her face. When something good happens I imagine ringing her to tell her, but I can’t, and it really sucks.

However, cancer, you may have taken my beautiful nana too soon, but she still lives on in our hearts and in our memories. Not to mention she is planed with a lily (her favourite flower) so that every summer she comes back to life again through some other form.

So cancer, this is it from me, fuck you.

 

strangers with memories

strangers with memories

I think one of the most horrible things I have experienced while growing up has been the feeling of drifting from someone. All that time you have spent together, all the good times you have shared, all the things they know about you are just lost in some void of space that no longer exists between you two.

Just strangers with memories. Two people who once had some sort of connection now lost.

What a waste of time. Investing your energy and interest in people when they are just going to leave you and every time you see them you feel that pang of missing them. Should you miss them? Do you have a right to miss them? Was it your fault that you stopped talking, is it your fault for this sinking feeling in your stomach whenever you see them?

I am lucky enough to hardly ever see people who were once a part of my life. And those who I do tend to see regularly I don’t feel too disheartened by because I came to the realisation that they weren’t very nice people before I cut my ties.

That was my choice though wasn’t it? The kind of friendships that just drift apart and there is no explanation just radio silence. I hate them.

Here I am thinking of all the things that I have done wrong. Here I am hating myself because we could have been friends for years. Here I am thinking that if I get married or have children that they were going to be there, they were going to support me when I needed it most. Yet there is just nothing. It ends up feeling like in the big events of your life there is hardly going to be anyone there because at some point everyone just ups and leaves.

I am so invested in people maybe that’s my problem. I expect too much from people and they can fulfil my expectations. I put my all into trying to make people happy and trying to make sure that I am not annoying people. But it gets to the point that I need so much reassurance that they probably get sick of me and decide that this isn’t quite what they want.

Every time I let someone in I give them a part of me and I try so hard. But then they leave and they take that small part of me with them and all I want is it back because they don’t even realise they have it and there is a part of me missing where our friendship used to be.

I guess that everything happens for a reason, sometimes I just wish that someone could tell me those reasons.

I know this is just a rambling I don’t even know what I’m getting at.

defining life

defining life

“dysfunctional
dɪsˈfʌŋkʃənl/
adjective
adjective: dysfunctional
1. not operating normally or properly.
– unable to deal adequately with normal social relations.”

This is the choice word my gran picked to describe my family when I suggested that I was going to have a small party to celebrate my 18th. Being told your family is too dysfunctional to even get together to be there for you sucks. A lot. The one thing I wanted was for the people who care about me most to be there. However, due to my mum, no one would come if I happened to try and do something nice. Cool. 

“alcoholism
ˈalkəhɒlɪz(ə)m/
noun
1. addiction to the consumption of alcoholic drink; alcohol dependency.”

Talking about my mum and my not so well ordered family. One main detail. She’s an alcoholic, suffers from alcoholism, however you want to put it she likes a drink. Almost every day without fail I go home to her smelling of alcohol and trying to string together sentences that don’t work. I guess I’m at the end of knowing what today. As people say to get help, the person needs to want help and know that she has a problem. And she certainly doesn’t know she has a problem. I wish I could do something, but I’ve lost hope. Finding bottles of vodka hidden about the house everywhere you go isn’t a way to grow up.

“lonely
ˈləʊnli/
adjective
adjective: lonely; comparative adjective: lonelier; superlative adjective: loneliest
1. sad because one has no friends or company.”

Sometimes life gets lonely. I have one main person in my life but other than that, it can be rather lonely. I have some friends. I think. I don’t know if you can really call them friends. There are those people who you can talk to once in a while and see them and everything is like you see each other every day? I have one of them. It’s nice I guess. But sometimes life just gets in the way. I have people who I go to college with but I wouldn’t exactly call them my friends because I wouldn’t see them outside of college. I seemed to only be able to make friends online, perhaps because they don’t have to listen to my annoying voice or put up with seeing me every day. But sooner or later everyone gets bored. It’s okay to have someone there for you all the time, to be that rock. But at night when they are asleep and left with your thoughts. It gets lonely. Damn it really does.

“common sense
noun
1. good sense and sound judgement in practical matters.”

Something I lack a lot of. I guess sometimes I can be intellectually smart but I just can’t think sensibly when it comes to problem solving in real life situations. Maybe that’s one of my downfalls, not being able to assess the right decision you should make usually leads to you making the bad one. Can I buy common sense somewhere? I hope so. I’m gonna need it.

“heartbreak
ˈhɑːtbreɪk/
noun
1. overwhelming distress.”

This is one of those bad decisions. To let someone stay in your life when at every point there have been warning signs to say no, stop, get rid of them. Until it gets to the point they break you. I don’t know if I was in love but it caused me so much pain at the time that I’ve just decided I must have been. I always wondered how can you be in love with someone who you’re not dating? How can you be in love with someone who is so horrible to you. That was my fault. I saw the signs and I just ignored them. Because I was young and stupid and most certainly should have known better. Being put down on an every other day basis about your looks and your weight has some effect on you. Believe me. I guess the final thing was that person who you put on a pedestal who didn’t deserve to be there telling you that you’re so annoying they wished you were never born. Damn. That still sticks in my head. I guess it taints my daily life worrying that everyone I meet I’m just annoying.

“wanderlust
ˈwɒndəlʌst/
noun
1. a strong desire to travel.”

Whenever I thought about something I would love to do, it was always teavelling and seeing different parts of the world. To meet new people, have great experiences and learn about all different cultures. I guess to do that you need to have a lot of time, and a lot of money. Right now I have neither. Maybe I will never get to just pack up my things and go travelling, but I do hope that I get to see different parts of the world piece by piece. I feel that if I experience the life that others have experienced that it makes you a more rounded person. You can relate to people and have more intellectual conversations rather than just pointless small talk.

“love
lʌv/
noun
1. a strong feeling of affection.
2. deep affection
3. a great interest and pleasure in something.
verb
1. feel deep affection or sexual love for (someone).”

I think after being so unlucky people I was starting to doubt that love even existed. I guess that life just proves you wrong sometimes when you aren’t expecting it. I know that happiness shouldn’t come from others, but from within yourself. If you rely on other people for happiness that is probably going to crash and burn at some point. However when you have someone right there who is willing to try and understand what you are going through and do little things to make your life a little better it is difficult to not rely on them for your happiness. Saying that, its not just a bad idea concerning you, its a massive burden on them as well. I guess I am happy that I have someone who can love me when I am at my best, but also love me and try to make me smile when I am at my worst. To have someone who will witness you in a freezing cold bath with your life falling apart and try to fix it, got a keeper there.

“self-esteem
noun
1. confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect.”

I think this might also go hand in hand with love because my lack of self esteem makes me feel like I am destined to mess up my relationship and ultimately leave myself completely alone. On a good day, I feel like I may look okay and that I will be able to strive to where I want to be and become successful. However, on my bad days, I feel like I should push everyone away because they are better off without me, they could do so much better, I don’t deserve happiness, they deserve happiness and I cant provide that. It hard you know? I hate myself so much, but I am trying to think better of myself, trying to do better by myself. I don’t want to be a mess, I want to be someone to be proud of. I want to find pride in myself.

i’m getting there.

i’m getting there.

I guess people write blogs about food and make-up and other interesting things, but this is plain and simple just about life. I’m not doing this in an attempt to reach out and give people an insight into my life, but more to benefit myself.

I guess I could say that I’m getting there. Things are looking up.

Maybe at the start things weren’t too great or that’s just how it seemed in my mind. The mind is a funny thing isn’t it? Even when things are okay, they can be so distorted into making you think that they are so far from that.

I was diagnosed with depression about 3 years ago. I can’t really remember to be honest because it just seems like a lifetime ago. Things weren’t great. Like, really not great. Or that’s how i felt at the time, now i see it as a learning curve. A way to better myself.

I guess there were a lot of things that happened to make me the way I am. My bad decisions being the most part of the problem. I guess everyone makes bad decisions at one point, but in younger life I just seemed to make them one after the other.

I guess probably being friends with unsupportive people was one of those decisions, but more about that later where there is the whole picture. Also having a not so greatly functional family. I can’t say that my life hasn’t been easy in the way of how I was brought up, because it was easy. I was never deprived of anything and if they could provide me with it they would. However after my dad left it tore my mum apart, and being so young and vulnerable and having to watch that. I guess it has some effect? Not to mention the abusive horrible stepdad that soon came into the picture to shake things up more. Don’t get me wrong, all sweetness and light to start off with, but I guess things change once you get your foot in the door.

I’d say now even after having my mum as my main guardian my dad has become more of a role model in my life. Even my stepmum is more favorable than my own mum, however harsh that may sound as my mum has brought me up from birth. Their are only so many things someone can take before it reaches a threshold, I guess mine was either when my mum told me to move in with my dad for the summer as it would be good for her without me around. Or maybe it was her not really caring that I was alive going away on my first lone holiday. Probably the most likely is choosing a man over your son. Whatever it is, I know that she isn’t very far up my list of favorite people.

I guess my downfall is bottling everything up until it got to the point my emotions exploded into tatters. Then I had to try to rebuild them, rebuild myself. Like I said I am getting there. I am trying to get my education back on track because when I blew up, that came with me.

I will end this on a happy note for now, I am an aspiring mental health nurse. All I have ever wanted to do is to help people. Knowing now that I could be doing that as a job for the rest of my life has helped me on the road to find happiness. I can find so much love within myself for other people, to try to mend them, I guess I need to try some of that on myself too.

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” – The Prisoner of Azkaban