i remember when you told me
that i was so beautiful
that i had galaxies under my skin
and the light of stars in my eyes.
but when we look up at the nights sky
we are looking into the past
most of those stars are already dead.
just like my eyes look
and how under my skin feels.
i guess i’ve already burnt out.
sometimes i need to realise,
i am more than the people who left me,
i deserve more than that.
i am not defined by those who don’t stay,
i am defined by me,
and even sometimes that’s not as great.
my mind is a mess,
i am a mess.
but i would rather be a mess with people who care about me,
than a mess with people who are just going to easily give up.
i know when i am down i am not an easy person to be around,
but i can be good too,
i can shine brighter than any star in the sky,
and those who left are missing out on that.
i am better than that,
i am better than temporary people.
i want to die
but do i?
i’m so sick of this pain
the voices in my head
i say i want to die
but i just want this to end
i just want this to all stop
but still exist
how do you explain that?
i’m doing something good,
i’m going to be a nurse and
i can’t do that if in dead
but how else can i make this stop?
Five and a half years ago
i cut myself open for the first time
feeling like my blood running down the drain
took my sadness with it
first attempt: failed
five years ago
i had to say I had fallen
i had to say I was always cold
i had my ‘friends’ all mock how I dealt with things
four and a half years ago
i nearly got hit by a car,
i decided to tell my parents about self harm
i felt humiliated when a doctor said the words,
“you’re too smart to be depressed”
four years ago
i felt more isolated than I ever have
i wanted to escape
second attempt: failed
three years ago
my mum found me crying on the floor
screaming for this pain to stop
i went back to therapy,
it didn’t help
two and a half years ago
i finally stopped cutting my body open
trying to deal with things in different ways,
elastic bands, ice, scratching, punching, burning myself
will this ever get any better?
a year and a half ago
i’m meant to be better right?
third attempt: failed
throwing up codine at 1am in a park is never how I imagined life turning out
please make this end
a year ago
i struggled to drag myself out of bed
i needed help
i don’t want to focus on the point my mum is an alcoholic
I NEED HELP
five months ago
i started university
i get out of bed even when I don’t feel like it
i want this so badly
i’m taking my tablets, im going to get more help
i’m getting there
you’ve found someone new
i guess that i’m glad that you’re happy
but i’m not
because to get your happiness you destroyed me
i told myself that I wouldn’t hurt over you
but then I seemed to be scratching myself out of my own skin
tearing away the layers
seeing the blood
i don’t want to have the skin that you touched
you made me feel comfortable in
Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU.
i love you
you’re more than enough
i could never find anyone better
ill never hurt you
i promise i won’t leave
i will marry you one day
what we have is real
every word falls away to ash
you don’t say these things and claim to be over someone a week after you split up
even that was a lie
a week after we split up you called me 140 times
don’t you DARE tell me you didn’t fuck me up
you have no clue
you get back up on your pedestal
paint yourself as the perfect person.
i know who you really are
you just didn’t want to be alone, so you settle
i don’t deserve to just be settled for
fuck you and all of the lies you ever told me
i feel like you were more of a glass half empty kind of lover,
you were never fully there,
i never had your full attention.
it was always half truths,
and people that tell half truths only ever really half love you.
i told myself you would break me,
yet i just let you
i tried so hard to fill you,
i poured all of my love into you,
yet you were still half empty,
and i was still only half of the girl that you would ever need.